"In [Her] Own Write" [entries|friends|calendar] Helen [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

(gimme some truth) "to love is to burn" [28 Feb 2011|04:10pm] [ mood | sad fountains ] Weep you no more, sad fountains; What need you flow so fast? Look how the snowy mountains Heav'n's sun doth gently waste. But my sun's heav'nly eyes View not your weeping That now lies sleeping, Softly, softly, now softly lies sleeping. Sleep is a reconciling, A rest that Peace begets. Doth not the sun rise smiling When fair at e'en he sets Rest you then, rest, sad eyes, Melt not in weeping While she lies sleeping, Softly, softly, now softly lies sleeping.

(gimme some truth) clouds [19 Jun 2010|05:33pm] [ mood | blah ] i had a dream where i was playing and hanging out on clouds. i think i was with some of my third graders cuz i remember clarissa. we were sitting on the big white fluffy clouds just talking and exchanging creative opinions, for some reason. we were pulling on the clouds we were sitting on and they kinda were like cotton, and like pillows at the same time. i wanted to pillow fight with everyone cuz i know it wouldn't hurt anyone. i think the cloud material would change when we pulled it out. it was nice being high up in the sky on clouds.

(gimme some truth) [04 Feb 2010|08:02pm] they picked the perfect time to take you from me but your smiles were never even mine now your baring for another and i have to live it with a smile and i have to bear it with a smile and i have to fake it with a smile and i have to greet you with a smile and i have to force it with a smile

(gimme some truth) "and feeling like this, i just can't go on anymore" [11 Jan 2010|09:05pm] [ mood | cold ] what a dull quarter. a and l and astronomy. i'm used to worrying my brains out about ethics and what the hell professor mendell's lecture was about, with a side of useless fashion facts and having to deal with fashion and design majors who always wear noisy shoes. what a foul mood i'm always in. i don't know why. i'm young enough i guess, but i'm tired of things and people. when my baby was here, i could look at him and smile. i don't have that anymore. it's not getting better. the fleeting moments i spent thinking about him just now is something my eyes couldn't take. they always surrender and it always hurts. i was so arrogant to think i could be strong. how strong was i? everything has a possibility of being no good without him. it's so haunting, what i felt. like i'll never feel it again, but am everyday reminded of it. it's a sad recollection coupled with confused wondering. could i ever? do i ever want to again? to both i answer no, firmly. and with the coming days, it only gets firmer.

(gimme some truth) found [02 Nov 2009|08:47pm] [ mood | allerg-ie and wheezie ] i finally found my bio oil. it's been missing for months. i remember taking it out and then throwing it somewhere, but every time i looked, it never turned up. today i'm wheezing cuz of the allergies i got CUZ of the dusting, cleaning, rearranging i was doing. and there was my bio oil. woot.

(gimme some truth) sure [24 Jun 2009|07:47pm] [ mood | cheerful ] well apparently i have time to do nothing now. and the first chance i get at doing nothing, a familiar friend visits: the cold. my symptoms are getting better... surprise surprise. so hopefully i'm better tomorrow, i need my strength if i'm planning to shop with kim... and yes, i definitely will!!! my birthday week was not exactly perfection this year, but it was pretty damn close. i got to see my friends and i had a lot of fun... and presents =]. and it's the first time i've really felt special. like, REALLY special. i got to be a bratty princess for once and it was like, whoah, cool. it's not for me to be all the time, but it's nice to know people care enough about you, you know? i'm just not the bratty type. but i loved the tiara business. i'm thinking about making it an annual tradition... every year, a crown!!! awesome. there was some eye candy too!!! leave it to tange to come up with some sugar at the last minute... thanks! it might not have been in the original plans, but it sure gave us girls something to look at =D. though nothing has really changed or happened around me, i feel i'm evolving more and more. i'm not changing or becoming a different person. it just feels like i'm growing up super fast. but in a strange way. i'm more myself than i ever was. things i do, say, or think come as a shock to me, but it also feels extremely right. it's still me, just ten fold. i say "growing up", but maybe not exactly, cuz there are still so many dimensions of myself that are just, well, kid-like. i don't mean to be, i don't act a certain way on purpose or anything. i'm just myself, and then someone points out how incredibly childish i'm behaving...oops. maybe it's this way: i'm me, just like before, but there are just different sides to "me" that are coming out... of the closet. just kidding i'm not gay :D. i love the boys WAY too much to ever be a lesbie. tee hee hee... boys. anyway, so i totally need a job. grrr. no one will hire me.

(gimme some truth) deuce deuce!!! [13 Jun 2009|12:00pm] it's my birthday!!! woooooooo!!!!! and it's raining!!!!! woooooooooooo! first time in history that it's rained on my birthday! i'm so happy!!!!

(gimme some truth) [13 Jun 2009|12:00pm] so i've got some long paper to write and is it anywhere near finished? i haven't even started. i'm looking at an all nighter. so, another year's come and gone. at least another middle-of-the-year. and as much as i hate my birthday and refuse to expect anyone remembering, i still wish more people would. and to add insult to injury? the parents are going to some wedding... and honestly asked me to go along. what the fuck? hey, i'm not asking for a meal or a cake or a gift. a simple acknowledgement of it is all i want. stay the fuck home and relax for all i care. but to go to some stupid person's stupid wedding? whatever. this is all i need to feel even more like i'm some kind of thing they just got stuck with. thanks a lot. i know i know. i want nothing and yet i'm upset about this. i guess i'm so used to not being a big deal, but it doesn't mean the sting isn't still there. maybe absolute numbness won't ever really be achieved. geez, where's some kinda drug when you need it? sometimes it's not the best thing to be, attentive. i always say i don't miss a beat. sure, i may play the part and "not notice" when someone has stopped listening to me, stopped hearing me out when i'm talking about something important to me. huh? you just cut me off cuz you had a random thought of your own? oh, wow, didn't even notice. so let's change the subject now and...ok, back to you. you know, maybe i've been wrong all this time. maybe i AM looking for someone, someone who will actually fuckin stop and just fuckin listen. someone who isn't caught up completely in just her or himself. someone who can really just keep his/her eyes on me the whole time i'm talking and at least pretend to be attentive when they don't feel like paying close attention, and pretend real fuckin good. someone who won't get distracted with everything that passes by, someone who won't ask unnecessary questions (if you'd pay attention, you wouldn't need to ask these kinds of questions!), someone who won't say "ok, are you done with your story" because they're in such a rush to make me shut my mouth. good grief, i always thought i had more than enough friends. maybe i need to make room for one more. or maybe, just maybe, i could start missing some beats here and there. but i don't see that happening.

(gimme some truth) 6-3-09 [04 Jun 2009|09:33pm] [ mood | falling yes i am falling ] i like that date. multiples of 3. so yesterday it rained. i can't remember the last time it rained in june. it's supposed to be really hot by this time. it's a nice change. i've had it with that bastard. i can't deal with that kid anymore, i simply won't. i'm informing his teacher tomorrow that i'm either gonna ignore him completely or lose it with him and chew him out. those are the only two options. i can't wait to get me new mobile!!! woot. i can't wait to find a job...:(. i need one. and soon. k well that's all.

(gimme some truth) death [04 May 2009|07:59pm] [ mood | foul ] i am having so much trouble getting my paper off the ground. usually after i have a thesis, writing the rest is cake. but i just don't feel like doing it. maybe it's the topic? death, in the eyes of socrates as opposed to those of oedipus'. sheesh. i just want it to be tomorrow already. no luck finding a job. i'm supposedly gonna still have fletcher waiting for me in the fall. but i need something now. i'm wondering if josh is really serious about moving out with me. i was all ready to move out on my own, but he brought it up again, and of course i'd be down for moving out with him as my roommate. he's a cool guy, and a friend, so it's all good. but will he be able to afford it, and continue to afford it? i need to know that this is going to be permanent. if it doesn't end up happening, i'll just do what i planned to do: go off by myself. it'll be scary and difficult, but i'm going to do it. i have to. sigh. if only i knew things. i found this quote the other day. i had completely forgotten i had written it down. "But it's the foulness of it can't be cured. And hatred, hatred of all men-and disgust." william carlos williams' The Raper from Passenack.

(gimme some truth) baby, i don't wanna know [26 Apr 2009|12:26pm] "i am half agony, half hope"

(gimme some truth) closing in on a year [20 Apr 2009|05:53pm] number three and number four. how perfectly in consequence. what lovely order. psh. i can't wait for my new bank card thingy. i want to see my wolfy. today was the hottest day since last year's summer, perhaps. ugh. so it begins. happy birthday, patty cakes =]. i wonder if the symposium will teach me anything new, and make me feel lighter as well. "The days are bright and filled with pain, Enclose me in your gentle rain. The time you ran was too insane, We'll meet again, we'll meet again. Oh, tell me where your freedom lies, The streets are fields that never die, Deliver me from reasons why You'd rather cry, I'd rather fly." the doors: the crystal ship

(gimme some truth) paul! [11 Apr 2009|12:03pm] [ mood | nostalgic ] teddy bears! kurts! battle of the bands! the birth of kardia kleptis! joshanette! total blast from the past. my pathetic little diary. the last entry was the day we went to see paul mccartney. how arbitrary, that day. i couldn't believe that was the last time i had written anything. it was so long ago. wow. things seemed important then. think of the things that have occurred since. you'd say they far exceed in caliber. and yet, they are not worthy of being recorded. how happy, to think that life has such meaning. to believe you're living that meaning every moment.

(1 peace gimme some truth) because. [15 Mar 2009|09:43pm] [ mood | hopeful ] people change. grow up. why? because it's what people do. it's what's supposed to happen. and we make mistakes because we're not perfect...and we don't listen to our friends, ahem ahem ahem!!! well things can get screwed up but hopefully they'll get better. can't get any worse, right? and sometimes rogue changes do occur, and if you're lucky, they're temporary. they weren't supposed to happen in the first place, but since people can fuck up, they do. but then reason has a way of blowing things over. and time, time is always your best friend when it comes to fading dreary realities. don't worry _?_, you'll get over it. ever been sure of something? then all of a sudden, you start to question whether you're sure at all. and then, you're doubting whether the thing you were sure about is concrete at all itself. but then, there's always hope. and as long as you know ANYTHING can happen, then everything's gonna be alright. "do you ever long for true love from me?... love like yours will surely come my way"

(gimme some truth) if i was to be hard pressed, i'd lie and say i could not care less [10 Mar 2009|06:56pm] [ mood | revolted ] why do things have to change? why do people have to change? and grow up. why can't we all love each other and be friends. friends. why do we do things without thinking first? why do we plunge into things with complete disregard to the truth? can we be so weak as to fall for pleasure's enticing and flirting eye every single time? and why does everything make me sick? why do i wake up with my heart pounding, cuz i know i'm going to spend the next part of the morning digging my nails into the wall and trying to get my hair out of the way. no matter how often you get sick, throwing up is a hellish nightmare that keeps coming back. i'll never get used to it. "hangin' on the arm of the guy who sold you into your new dress ooo it's a tragedy so completely it's almost greek" local h, white belt boys

(gimme some truth) [15 Feb 2009|10:37pm] life is good, friends are great, and i've found that dreams can clue you into the possible possibilities :] that are out there, regardless of hurdles. or is it just that things have been on my mind? but then, when are things NOT on my mind? is it all a coincidence? a wounded hand. you really do have to take time with it, cuz it likes to heal. it's felt like forever, but soon only scar tissue will remain. who cares? i like scars. "don't be in love, stupid!". could i love that quotation any more? i love it, but i'm not IN love with it!!! hardy har harrrr. perhaps i'm just curious. cuz these different minds are perpetually contradicting. either that or one of them is a lie. but which one? there're too many to even sort. that being said, how am i supposed to find the one that's lying? good grief. who cares, at the end of the day it's all around us. and though i'm not for it, it might just keep showing its handsome face around these parts. i'll bring it in for coffee, refresh it for better or worse, and send it on its way again. it's what i do best.

(gimme some truth) freeeeeeeee [04 Dec 2008|02:53pm] [ mood | apathetic ] o man, i'm free. no more school. and yet, i kinda can't wait for next quarter. i don't know, i'm a dork. i want some cobbler. mmm, cobbler. wow, what a lame entry.

(gimme some truth) highest bough? [06 Nov 2008|08:14am] [ mood | nostalgic ] i'm not sure if it's time for that yet. i forgot when i started last year. hmmm. i'm gonna say after thanksgiving. yeah, after thanksgiving sounds about right. for now gamine13 will prevail. i don't know why, but after many long years of its absence, that warm fuzzy feeling came over me a couple of weeks ago. tis the season? christmas, real christmas and the holiday spirit has been dead to me for so long. it's been ages since i sincerely felt that rare happiness and golden joy. these words pale in comparison to the feeling, but alas, i have no better words to describe it. give me the lexicon of the most learned of individuals, and still there would be something lacking. but anyway, it came over me like a flirting breeze, asking to be seen and then chased. it lingered but a moment and suddenly vanished. it's resonance was clearly audible despite its hasty disappearance, and still i can hear it calling. at times, like this one now as a matter of fact, it hides then peeks through as a child would when playing at games. with so many burdens and so many worries and stress levels ever rising, it still manages to tap me on the shoulder to tell me it's here. and then i look out the window, and can such beauty be possible? think for a minute of the light. light indeed! why does it shine so, how can it shine so, and how is it possible that the wretched eye belonging to humanity can see it so clearly? such jewel must be made for something higher than humans. perhaps it is there for the heart. no, not the heart that physically beats inside us all, for that is but muscle, tissue, and whatever else the body is made up of. no, the light shines down and fuels that heart which can never be seen, something that you can touch but can never grasp. something very much alive, but whose locale is not something to be found. would that i could speak verses of it, if only i knew anything about it. instead, it is a familiar mystery growing more and more obscure, and yet leaving a deeper and deeper impression. writers have often written of the mysteries of the heart, but these are not so confusing. i instead ponder the mystery that is the heart, this heart i've been referring to now. the beating heart is no such enigma as the one i have been wondering about. but let me file this away, and try to ignore the flirting eye that is calling to me now. there will be time enough for that, my dear dear heart, only allow me to work just a little bit, and then we will play to the beating heart's content.

(gimme some truth) arr? [10 Jul 2008|09:44am] i had a dream where i was put back in third grade because i was crazy. yeah, i know WEIRD. but that's what a dreamt. back to elementary cuz i was deemed insane. yay

(2 peaces gimme some truth) dream a little dream [08 Jul 2008|10:13am] [ mood | enthralled ] o man did i ever have the best dream ever!!! it was the nicest dream i've ever had! i really can't remember anything more...eeeeeeeeeeeek! ok ok ok, so it was local h concert ALL OVER AGAIN. except this time, we all ended up outside and there was a grassy spot. it reminded me of school for some reason. anyway, i was with the group i went with, and we were just hanging out, but i kept thinking about scott, OF COURSE. after a while, i see scott come out with his hood on and his glasses! hotness! and for some reason, i get the feeling that everyone wants to leave soon. i'm trying to force myself to go over and talk to him, but i'm such a coward. he's sitting on the grass, really close to where we were standing and he looked around a bit before he sat down. so, when everyone started heading out, i came down next to scott to say great concert and what not. then, know what happened next? =D i started playing with a strand of his hair that was just hanging there in his face. for some reason he had longer hair than when i saw him last. weird because he never lets his hair grow out anymore. anyway, as i was playing with his lovely hair, i said, "don't cut it anymore, scott!" and he said, "whatever you say"!!! o man! i was soooooooooo happy when he said that. then before i got up to go, i gave him a peck on the cheek. yes, it was ONLY a peck on the CHEEK! on his wonderfully scruffy cheek tee hee. and then i left and i couldn't believe my courage! that's pretty much where it ended i think. siiiiiiiiiiigh. what a dream.

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